The other morning I dreamt that I had to carry a box that I could not pick up. With my legs I pushed it near a fence. I leaned against the fence for support and I wiggled my toes under its cardboard belly. Once it rested on my feet I was able to get my fingers under it and lift it to my knees. In my strained and sagging arms I travelled only a few steps before I dropped it. Nothing broke though. Nothing was breakable. The objects in the box were themselves all light.
Songs float with a heavy buoyancy. I enjoy solitude but nothing is personal. I always remember my first encounters with music as shared experiences. Then later, when I face it alone, it carries with it those people, their stories, and ours.
Today my house was flooded with the friends who occupied it only in songs for the past week. And I was so satisfied with their return that I stopped listening to the "Suzanne Robinson Remix" and writing stories about sticky little fingers and I turned to older friends in older songs, which led me to older images in older albums and older pages from older books. But I couldn't touch anything and there was nothing to hold. The pictures and pages lacked texture and scent. I read what I put in an old zine (now online) and I wondered (and still sit wondering) why I act as though what I know is not worth acting.
So I took one step (ironically while lying down) and I removed myself from one internet world. Facebook asked me why I was leaving it and it "required" a response. It gives you options to chose and for each fault you can find it tells you how it will change. It pleads with you to stay. If you choose "Other" it requests you provide an explanation. Perhaps this is fair. When leaving a relationship it's expected you provide your partner with your motivations. Well, facebook, I don't think this is mutual or healthy. You take much more than you give. You aren't for real and I'm not myself around you.
But I am blogging. Yeah, blogging. And so I am being hypocritical. It's all about how you use the medium though, right (or wrong)? Can you tell I'm working on a paper about art interventions on television? Uh, in any case, I'm here for now and for a while yet. I know this isn't a tide pool I can dip my ankles in, but at least it's a space for me to sink my words.
And a final few words on nostalgia, because that is what brought me through these thoughts. It is one of the greatest weights I carry.
2 comments:
Are you actually leaving facebook? That'a'girl. It never loved you the way you love yourself. I'm so glad to see you see through something so transparent. You're so money and you don't even know it.
I left facebook a couple of weeks ago. And it was so liberating. But it still haunts me a little... like a long and tiresome relationship that leaves small traces of bad habits. But after two weeks, the temptation to go back subsides. Good for you! Your soul should return to you shortly.
ps. I found your blog on facebook!
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